James & Emily

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Sunday, 14 January 2018

And now the gremlins turn almost 8

Its been a very long time since my last post.
Life with twins caught up with us.. Balancing family life, work, relationship.. it was not forgiving.
Our kids are doing fine, they are growing up to be two fantastic people. In school they are thriving and they have lots of friends. Both are unique in their own way.
Emily turned out to be a really girly girl and James is a typical boy.

Life hasn't been easy though. Our relationship became very strained, we lost ourselves in our focus to be a 'perfect' family.
A year and a half ago we decided to separate, it's been painful for all of us and it took us a while to adjust.
We've managed to pull through and share the responsibilities for our kids, albeit still difficult.
Alex' job is still very demanding so most of the time they live with me.
We both feel strongly that we failed. Our kids came into this life because we made that choice. It wasn't an 'accident'.
Since our break up we both tried to find ourselves again, finding both new loves and both losing it again. Both still so attached to what we built and started.
Alex talks about coming back together, rebuilt our family that we both treasured so much.
For the kids it would be a dream come true, for me, I just wish I knew what to do, I feel strongly that whatever I do, I can't backtrack on it anymore. If miracles do happen, this should be one.

The other day I sat down with the kids and showed them all the stories I've written in this blog and in my diary that I kept since.
It stipulates how we evolved from two men with no babies, into two men with babies, toddlers, children.
They loved it. They both understand very well that they were born through a surrogate, they are proud they were born in Mumbai India and both look forward visiting India.
Alex and I both love travelling and we've been in many, many countries with them.
When they were four the kids and I went to Thailand, Alex had to work so he stayed in Europe and could sadly only be four days with us. Personally I can't remember holidays from when I was four, but Emily and James still know a lot of details of that trip.
Creating memories is one of the most rewarding things that I can give them.
Our last family holiday with the four of us went to South Africa were we did safaris, stayed in the most beautiful places and we both fell in love with the country.
Fond memories.
Sometimes Alex and I both wish we could go back to the moments that we both screwed up. Well, lets say the hours before we screwed up! I think in hindsight we both would've dealt differently with things.
Since our parents live in Spain the kids go there a lot and they love it! The last few summers they spent the whole summer there with Omi, Opa and Grammy, with me and Alex flying back and forth.
And they've been to a dozen other countries, but of course, since we live in Europe its easy to go to different countries really quick!

The kids are bilingual, our family language is English and their Dutch is on the same level.
I've started with Spanish as well, but they learned faster then my knowledge of the language is!
But what a gift to give to your kids, the ease they can switch between languages is amazing.

When the kids were five I thought it was a good idea to start a bar, hospitality was always my passion, the kids were going to school so I had a lot more free time on my hands. Such a miscalculation! Running a bar and restaurant was so intense in combination with having a family, soon I felt I just couldn't do it anymore. After school the kids would be in the restaurant till six, we had the luxury of a cook, but it didn't weigh up to the lack of quality time with the kids. This year I made the decision that the combination wasn't working, so I got rid of the bar and restaurant. Which means at the moment that I am a single parent of twins with no income. NITK (no income two kids).
It feels really weird to be in a situation like this. After doing something I love, I have to find something that I love equally, at least that's what I tell myself.
The really good thing is however, that both kids are thriving with me being back home again. It's amazing to see how much they enjoy me being home all the time. No more hanging around at my work, taking naps on stage, eating all biscuits, going to kitchen staff for snacks, icecream and so on.
Those last things are a bummer according to the kids.

At the end of this month they turn eight and all I can think of is a stupid tile "where did the time go".
I try to live intense, conscious about what happens in our lives, being aware, grateful, attentive to people. I try and I try, but when the reality hits "where did the time go", it just means that I really have to step up to the plate and make sure that I'm really aware of all that happens in our lives.
Never before I made new year resolutions. This year I've made a wish list for myself, James and Emily made one too. Theirs existed from more holidays to seeing Opa more. Mine is all focused on being a better person to the people that really matter and to myself.
I want every fiber of myself to be aware and alert. Not let life live me, I want to live Life. Its almost like wanting to taste life. Really taste life as if I'm eating my favourite Indian curry, or a strawberry sorbet.
I am going to end this first post since long and I am sure it's not all very coherent, but that's the period I am in; not very coherent.
There are so many stories to tell about the kids, I'll add them in my upcoming posts.

1 comment:

SaskTex2008 said...

Wow. I haven't browsed through the blogs that brought us all together in 2009 and 2010 during those exciting days of building our families. Something almost supernatural compelled me to take a look tonight after so many years and I came upon your very recent update. Thank you for sharing. Although we've been Facebook friends all these years, I never really connected the whole story as you've updated here. Your words resonated with me -- it feels like I am at a crossroads too. I look forward to getting reacquainted. Todd F.