a friend

Alexander is in Detroit and I am in Spain. Late last night he phoned me and we were talking about our egg donor to be.

She was supposed to be in the UK by now, however, she has lost her passport (??), which is terrible for her of course. Alexander has spoken to her on the phone earlier yesterday, but the subject hadn't come up.

Alexander did not bring up the subject himself, he does not want to pressure her into making decisions, which is good. However, she did not bring up the subject either, I do understand that since they have known each other for such a long time, it can be difficult at times. For us she would be the ideal person, but we might not be the ideal persons in her eyes. The ideal person for her would of course be herself. We do understand the emotions she must be feeling about such a difficult question.

It is not an easy thought. Alexander told me to call her when I am back home so I could discuss it with her. There are things where I am slightly better in than he is.

Since we had this talk yesterday, I've been thinking about it, and whilst I was reading some of the newest blogs I follow, there was one which stood out; "I will be a wonderful mother" (author unknown). After reading I would say; "I will be a wonderful father" (author Niels :)

I have always known that I wanted to create a family, their where some hurdles to take (like not having ovaries and the likes), but I was going to create a family with my life partner some day.

For everyone who thinks that the decision to pursuit this dream is easy, I would like to say 'think again'. It does not matter if one is gay or straight, when you do not have the ability to built a family, you miss something. 

And, perhaps it sounds corny, but we will not rest untill we have our own family.

Last night I joked with our mothers that it feels like 'my eggs are ticking'. (...replace eggs with another word)

So before we start talking about plan B, I will ring our friend.

She was a friend, is a friend and she stays a friend, whatever the outcome is.

Thinking, talking and waiting

Alexander and I have been thinking everything through again and again, well, we had to since our fertillity doctor here in Holland is only willing to do the tests if we answer his questions in a way he wants them to be answered! We really don't mind, but it makes it extra exciting cause we want to do well of course.

The staff of the clinic is wonderful and they are so much willing to help us, they even offered to run the tests on the donors eggs if she would be in Holland around the 20th of November. We haven't heard yet of our donor to be, we do know she is considering so for everyone who is wondering; keep your fingers crossed just a little longer.

At the moment I am in Spain with my mother and we're staying at Alexanders mum. I will leave tuesday, but till then we have a lot to do.

We bought a family holiday home down here, it is a new built so there is a lot to monitor. Today the three of us went to a lot of different shops and we had a good time driving around: NOT! Mother (and in-law) were both on my neck; either I was driving to slow, to fast etc. In the end I told them they could take a taxi home if they like haha.

We had lunch at a place next to a babystuff shop and I can see that my mum is really hoping so much. It will be her only chance to become a grandparent, I feel for her. She doesn't say anything because she knows so many things can go wrong and maybe it will never happen for us. We have told them that it can be a long & windy road with an unknown end to it.

But still, I can tell she can't wait to go into that shop and empty her purse! (which is wonderful for us by that time haha).

Alexanders mum is more patient about the whole thing, she will get excited when the baby is on its way. She really understands how difficult the process is. 

A couple we've met via a surrogacy forum, just mailed us the sad news that their surrogate isn't pregnant anymore. It is terrible news to receive for them. But they also mentioned that after the grieving, they will do another attempt. We wish more luck for them the next time!

All the different stories makes me SO anxious of what our story is going to be... is it one of the easy stories or is it going to take forever and ever...

Patients isn't my best quality LOL.

Anyway, we think of everyone who is in the process and hope you are successful or will be soon!

and more..

Mike (from mikeandmike), emailed me with more information on the subject.

So now I'm also in contact with India Surrogacy, a samesex couple in the UK and even with a dutch couple! 

Last week we spent the week in Tel Aviv, we were there during Yom Kippur, which is a day of atonement for Jews. We didn't quite knew what to expect, but found that everything and I mean everything stops for 25 hours. We had a wonderful time there and we had lots of quality time with just the two of us which was great! Hopefully we will be going there one day as a family.

At the moment we're getting so much wanted and needed information from different people and institutes. Last Saturday I've received a copy of "A Gay Couple's Journey Through Surrogacy". 

Their story is at times hysterical, but mostly one has to admire their perseverance. 

And also, it struck me, that a known surrogate opposed to an unknown surrogate as in India, isn't always easier. When we started to explore the possibilities, we first talked to close friends of us, just to see if someone would be willing to carry our child. We did this because we thought it would be easier; in real life it's probably harder, 'cause, it's likely you want to control the way they live, what she eats, does she rest enough and probably much more. And to be honest, I am probably to much of a control freak LOL.

Most people we've spoken to, used a local egg donor in India. 

Some time ago, we have asked a good friend of us for her 'eggies', later this month, hopefully, she will be in Holland.

It will give us the opportunity to talk about the subject more. A shared a house with her in London for some time and stayed in touch via Facebook, Skype and JaJah. For her it was a surprise that we asked her. For us it would feel really, really good to know the egg donor and we will be very honored if she will give us her eggies! We do understand the emotional burden for her so let's keep our fingers crossed. 

Tonight a good friend of ours came by, he is a 'known donor' for a lesbian couple, it means he doesn't have any parental rights but does see his daughter once a month. It is at times a complicated situation, not sure how we're going to do this, but our donor (to be hopefully) does not live right around the corner, we'll see.

A is gone now for the week, so this week will be quiet on the surrogacy subject.

Anyways, the last couple of days I seem to blablabla a lot; hormones haha 

Niels has found another organisation that has links with an fertility clinic in Mumbai. These two organisations, that have branches in the US and UK pay give a little bit more peace of mind and can provide extra information.

http://www.indiasurrogacy.com (an organisation in the US, who work together with a clinic in Mumbai)

and...

surrogacyindia.com (we've not sure yet if they provide surrogates for same sex couples)

Another day, and more questions on our preparatory list, before jumping aboard the surrogacy train. We spoke to Mike A on the phone yesterday, who helped clarify some of the haze surrounding the practicalities of how to go about certain things and helped prepare us for some of the stumbling blocks we may encounter. I'll add a list of questions we had to our blog, as it may help others;

Practicalities
Q. Is it helpful to use a lawyer in India? Which lawyer did you use?
A. Have a contract drawn up in which all amounts payable are mentioned.

Q. What is the best way of transferring money and how long does it usually take?
A. Wiring money to India is not much of a problem although Indian banks seem to hold onto the money for quite a time before it is deposited into the account. We were advised to use a credit card due to the speed the money is transferred and the fact that you are (usually) insured against fraudulent transactions with your card.

Bureaucracy
What is the procedure surrounding the birth certificate and gaining a passport for your baby's homeward travel?

Sperm, eggs etc etc.
Q. How many eggs should we have inseminated?

Q. Whose sperm to use?

Q. Finding a donor egg. Whose?

The clinic

Which clinic did you use?

Are you happy with the conditions the surrogates live in?

Is the clinic legitimate?

How professionally do they work?

How quick were they in responding to any queries?

What is the procedure surrounding choosing the surrogate mother? What should we take into account?

Her fertility history, has she had any children, when? Her weight and height proportion.

this is a general sketch, there is far more to come...

How about surrogacy?

Today we're making one of the many first steps towards a different life.
We live in the Netherlands, my partner is brittish and I am dutch, and we want to built our own family! Our friends and family support us in our journey, and we realize that this journey can take many, many years...the 'to be granny's' hope it will go smooth and quick!

We've found a lot of information on the subject surrogacy.
At first we didn't look any further; the USA was our destination!
However, the costs of the whole process seemed to be getting higher and higher, which eventually would mean we would have to take out an extra mortgage. The whole creditcrunch does not help!
So we looked on, and through various websites we found information on gestational-surrogacy in India.
First of all we were amazed of the low costs compared to the USA and the liberal approach to surrogacy.
Since weeks we have been trying to contact other 'intended parents through gestational-surrogacy in India', strangely Google hasn't been a big helper here!

So if you know more about clinics where doctors are willing to help same-sex couples in India; do contact us!
At the moment we have a lot of contact with a clinic in Rotunda, and are thinking of traveling to Rotunda Mumbai and see with our own eyes what sort of clinic it is and see how the surrogate lives whilst she is pregnant (yes, that'll be a while:).

'Till next time,

N

Gay Surrogacy

Niels and I are exploring the channels where we can allow our dream of having a family can come true! We've been searching the globe, for IVF clinics that specialise in surrogacy for gay couples. If you have a story or could give us advice or can share your experiences, we'd be extremely grateful!

Regards,

Niels and Alexander